Category Archives: Victims of Sociopaths
Something I am extremely curious about is how women who have been sociopath’d in a relationship feel about the other women, if that kind of thing went on (or I suppose rather if you know about it, my guess would be that it almost always goes on). Obviously I’m not very fond of my ex-husbands side pieces but I’m also very grateful to them… in a way… for doing what they did so that I could see his true colors sooner rather than later.
I think there are a few different flavors of side piece and my ex had one of each. One of the lucky ladies I know about was probably involved with him because he’s fun to be around and she seemed like a drunk to me. I don’t mind her so much, I can understand her. She was always discreet and if I ever ran into her in a dark alley I’d probably ask her for a cigarette or something and if she gave me one I’d consider us even.
Another varietal was an ex-girlfriend and I get that too, it’s familiar and comfortable and you can probably justify your sleazy self and write it off as not cheating since it’s nothing new to you. I think she felt guilty about what she did, she sent Christmas cards to my family for a few years. I don’t really mind her either because I think she’s legitimately insane.
The most frustrating kind of other woman was the one who thought she had a future with MY scumbag and took out her twisted little aggressions on me via her facebook status updates. I tested this out by posting things like “I can’t wait to grab a beer with you tonight, I miss you!” on his wall and she would update her status a few minutes later with things like “i FUCKEN HATE THATSTOPID BITCH!!1″. I wasn’t surprised to see this kind of possessiveness, my ex had several female friends who treated me this way when we were dating. I have never noticed this kind of behavior orbiting anyone else other than that guy. My guess would be that he manipulated this chick much more than the other two, to the point of her being so deluded that she reversed who should be calling who the STOPIDBITCH. I wonder if she feels any guilt about what she did and how she has handled it?
Lastly, the best kind of other woman is the least likely. Ex-husband’s new wife is AWESOME. I look forward to seeing her every time we visit and she has become one of my best friends. What’s lame is how society totally pitted us against each other from day one. Finally when we started talking we realized we don’t have to be cold or weird towards each other. It’s surprising how strange some people find our relationship to be. It’s another example of how important it is to not let social stigmas get in your way of having a good time.
Women can easily bond with each other based on our common goal to care for the whole pack or family. We naturally take care of each other. Whether we are genetically programmed to be monogamous or not, ladies have to look out for ladies and that means doing something that’s not against another’s will. Communication and forgiveness can restore your faith in our gender post-sociopath pretty quickly, (most) women are amazing!
This article declares that psychopaths tend to have a few discernible patterns of speech that could be used to identify them, an abundance of “uh”s and “um”s which buy them time to tell you what you want to hear and they tend to discuss their physiological needs over “higher needs” such as family and emotional state. I haven’t noticed either of these, in fact I think psychopaths probably speak better than most of us since they’ve probably rehearsed what they’re about to say. Their writing/speech is more formal and less flowery. They get to the point quickly and use fewer descriptives. I don’t think it is possible to identify them this way.
It is, however, super easy to identify victims by their voices. When I was in high school I listened to the Doctor Drew and Adam Carolla radio show and both of them could immediately tell if a caller had been abused by the tone of her voice AND the age when she was abused. When something horrible happens to a young woman, she often becomes frozen at the age it happened and results in a “little girl voice”:
The Little Girl Voice is an informal name for a vocal trait in adult women that is caused by psychological trauma before the onset of puberty. Women that are affected speak in a higher sounding, child-like pattern, usually in a manner similar to the age at which they suffered the traumatic event.
Dr. Drew frequently uses this as a cue when talking to female callers, in order to better understand the cause of their problems. He is so practiced at noticing it that he can often guess down to a 6 month period in the woman’s life when she was traumatized, and sometimes even what the trauma was, much to everyone’s amazement. Sometimes callers lie or obfuscate about having a trauma history at first, claiming their childhood was completely normal, only to reveal something horrific later in the conversation that precisely fits with Drew’s initial deduction.
Dr. Drew discovered this phenomenon after practicing addiction medicine for many years and noticing a very distinct pattern with his patients, whom he often converses with personally during the treatment process. He noticed all the female patients who talked a certain way had a trauma history (usually sexual abuse) that they would reveal during the session. Strangely, there has been no formal scientific study of this phenomenon, though it’s reality is undeniable in the face of call after call that the doctor correctly deduces, sometimes with them only saying a single word. Drew surmises that the incident of trauma “freezes” some portion of the brain’s development, resulting in the speech pattern remaining the same into adulthood.
I can pick this up in women all the time so you’d better believe predators can as well. Those who have been victimized in the past are much easier targets for sociopaths for a number of reasons:
1. They are usually willing to talk about their past experiences when prompted. Giving a sociopath this information enables him to create the facade of an anti-abuser, someone who is the exact opposite of the past offender.
2. Repetition Compulsion: You tend to repeat patterns of your past: “Drew and other mental health professionals have only been able to speculate that it is a misguided attempt for the person to “master” the terror of their childhood by doing it again but this time it having a different result.” Not all sociopaths are abusive, although it’s likely that those who find themselves in relationships with them have been at some point abused. The tiny little voice is usually a green light to these guys that you’re going to be an easy target.
3. Little voices are usually non-confrontational and don’t stand up for what they want/believe. They are less likely to want to cause a stir when they see red flags.
4. Women who speak like this are usually very sweet and take care of others before themselves. The voice pattern suggests that the woman has repressed issues that she has not confronted, probably because she was too busy taking care of someone/everyone else.
(Dr. Drew) notes that women who undergo long and intensive treatment usually lose this pattern and speak normally.
Despite it’s lack of formal research, many others in the mental health field to have noticed this pattern too, though detecting it correctly requires practice. Laypeople with sufficient experience can learn to pick up on it, though they can sometimes be fooled by a person merely having a high-pitched voice. Drew often suggests closing one’s eyes and imagining that you know nothing about the speaker (including their real age) and concentrating on how old the speaker makes you feel like they are.
I think this is an extremely important problem to fix if you or someone you know has it. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that we cannot change sociopaths but we most certainly can make ourselves more difficult marks. Speak loudly, stand up for yourself and don’t try to come across as too soft.
“One way or another, a life without conscience is a failed life”, says Martha Stout in the last chapter of The Sociopath Next Door. She describes how it “feels” to be a sociopath:
“Picture clearly the face of a loved one… Try to picture that same face… weeping in grief or smiling in peace and joy. And now imagine for a moment that you could look forever and feel absolutely nothing, no love, no desire to help or even smile back.”
Perhaps I don’t really know any sociopaths if this is the case. Even though everyone I have in mind scores very high on the PCL-R and meets and exceeds the DSM criteria for the ASPD diagnosis.
I believe sociopaths have consciences and feelings. It’s ridiculous to believe that the statistic she gives, one in twenty-five people, don’t have these things which are vital for survival in society. I think I know why she says this, though: it’s all most people can/are willing to understand. Having to explain that they do have senses of right and wrong and feelings but are able to push them aside whenever they want doesn’t sound like a bad thing at all.
Sociopaths have emotions but they are different, some are more intense (drive and motivation) but most are watered down(anxiety being the most diluted). Ex-husband said he feels all emotions but can turn them off at will. He also has a conscience but has the ability to not lose a wink of sleep at night if he does something that violates it. He knows when he doing something nasty and I believe he enjoys it because he knows just how nasty it is. None of this has any impact on his ability to feel or smile.
The people who Martha Stout describes probably exist but I would call them full blown lunatics, not sociopaths. Here is a full blown lunatic in action:
He doesn’t seem to have emotions, his natural state seems irritated and passionate and he never leaves it. His inability to keep a straight story (about whether or not he killed all those people) could reflect a lack of a conscience. This is what comes into my mind when I think of Stout’s description above. He’s not a sociopath, he’s a proper nut who is making no effort to appear as anything other than that.
Saying lives without conscience are “failed” is an asshole thing to say. Charles Mansion is absolutely notorious! A friend of the family said “Charles Manson got away with everything. People will say, ‘He’s in jail.’ But Charlie is exactly where he wants to be.” He got to passionately complain about the illuminati and deforestation to a HUGE audience in his interviews. Nobody would have paid any attention to him if he wasn’t a psychotic murderer. I think Charles Manson, at the end of his life, will look back at his accomplishments and feel quite fulfilled.
Similarly, I think if my ex-husband dies having obtained a sufficiently sized baseball card collection and has enough Mountain Dew in his refrigerator, he’ll also be content.
The Sociopath Next Door has a lot of great information in it but the tone it ended with left a bad taste in my mouth. It seems to have been added to serve justice to those who seek it, “He may have gotten away with all of my money and banged all my girlfriends and my sleazy sister and never lost a wink of sleep over it but his life is a failed life!”
Where is the justice you can find after being sociopath’d? You’re not going to find it by believing that the offender lives an empty and failed life. He’s probably as happy as a clam. I am working on a book that suggests instead of concerning ourselves with this, we quickly move on and use what we learned to be more successful in the future. My sociopath crisis showed me that I was very narcissistic and fell for flattery easily. I gained a lot of self reflection that I did not have before.